I walked into a department store this afternoon to see a plaque that proudly proclaimed, “It’s the most wonderful time of the year!” 

While that is true for many, it’s not so true for those who are grieving, especially the first year.

An onslaught of unwanted reminders

This time of year begins an onslaught of reminders of how you once gleefully celebrated in ignorant bliss the joys of the season with those you loved. 

But with one of those loved ones missing, the holidays will never be the same.  

The reminders can be brutal -all of the picture perfect social media posts, the empty seat at festive gatherings, and one less person to buy gifts for. 

The first year was the hardest

We were miserable the first Christmas after Nicholas died. We still wanted to make things as good as possible for Drew, but he was miserable too. Looking back, two things stand out that were most helpful.

• I read a book every morning that directed my focus.
• We used the money we would have spent on Nicholas to give to an orphanage that rescued boys.

Holidays can still be meaningful

It may not ever be the same, but that doesn’t mean it can’t still be meaningful. Since the first year, we have been able to build on what we do to make the holidays not only bearable but also deeply significant. 

Thanksgiving 

Being grateful year round is one of the most practical ways I stay out of the pit of despair. During the month of November, I practice saying three things I am thankful for every day. This is not easy to do, but very transforming. If I am having a hard time coming up with something, my go to is always eternal life. I can always be thankful for what my Savior did to secure our eternal life and the reason we have Blessed Hope.

• There are many websites that offer calendars to assist with this activity.  I love Annvoskamp.com. 
• I encourage family and friends to participate, thus holding one another accountable.
• We also purpose to invite people who otherwise would be alone to join us for Thanksgiving Dinner. 
• We read a thanksgiving Psalm, sing a song, and try to make a creative game out of going around the table to say what we are thankful for.

Christmas

I have to plan ahead for this one to focus my celebration. 

My Lord was willing to humble Himself to dwell among us. He left heaven to pay the penalty for my sin so that I could be reconciled to a Holy God.  His virgin birth, sinless life, death, and resurrection make a way for me to be reunited with my loved one for all eternity.  

Daily or weekly readings

An Advent reading and then lighting a candle every Sunday the four Sundays leading up to Christmas is a good way to focus my thoughts and engage my family during the Christmas season. 

There are some books with a daily reading that have helped direct me to stay engaged in my pursuit to celebrate my Lord’s birth. I pick one and have it ready December 1st. There are many to choose from, just do a little research ahead of time. 

Or pick from one of my favorites:

• The Greatest Gift by Ann Voskamp
• The Names of Jesus by Asheritah Ciuciu
• The Dawning of Indestructible Joy by John Piper

Putting up the tree

This is a hard one. My sister came over to put Nicholas’ ornaments on the tree the first year. We probably would not have put up a tree, but we were trying to keep things as normal as possible. 

Now that Drew is grown and living out of state, we plan to put up the tree when he is home and just our little family does it. So usually it’s done Thanksgiving weekend.  It can still be solemn, but we reminisce while listening to Christmas music and plan to watch a Christmas movie together afterward. It’s hard, but I am always glad we did it when it is finished. 

Gifts

We use the money we would have spent on Nicholas, my dad aka Granddaddy, and Eric’s dad aka Pops to buy meaningful gifts in their memory. We put the notification cards in their stockings we hang in their memory and then read them after Christmas dinner.

• We have given a gift to an orphanage in Peru every year since Nicholas died, notforgotten.org. 
• We have bought farm animals and bible literature and shoeboxes through Samaritanspurse.org. 
• This year we are also planning our gift-buying to include SendRelief.org. We love how they do everything with a focus on sharing the gospel. 

Even though I do splurge a little on stocking stuffers, we try to keep gift buying for each other simple and have adopted the following as a guide:

• something you want
• something you need
• something you wear
• something you read 

Sponsor a family

Our Sunday School class sponsors a family every year and buys gifts, a meal, a washer and dryer, or whatever is needed, etc.  It’s nice to do this with a group so the entire burden is not on you. If you cannot participate with a group or one is not readily available, there are multiple toy drives in which you could participate.

Holiday Music

I play music throughout November and December that speaks Truth about who God is because it is so easy to believe lies. This year I am in our church’s Christmas choir and the music is beautiful.  But we are on year ten and I couldn’t have been up in front of a congregation in a church choir any sooner.  

Keep Christmas Day manageable

I come up with the menu ahead of time. There are usually only about six of us at dinner, so we keep it simple. Eric enjoys smoking a ham and a turkey, which is helpful and delicious. Then I ask others to help with sides and dessert. So we are each only responsible for one or two things. And everyone helps with clean-up. 

Those at my house are old enough to do this. If you have littles, you may want to make a bigger deal of breakfast and then keep the rest of the day super easy. When our children were little they only cared about the ham, rolls, and sparkling grape juice for Christmas dinner.

I ask everyone to pick a Christmas hymn and we do a sing along after dinner.

We also incorporate a short Christmas reading. We used Adornaments from FamilyLife® when the boys were little and will still do one of those readings and hang a special ornament on the tree. 

Be aware of the New Year  

Just when I would think I had made it through all of the hard stuff, the New Year would ring in with a slap in the face to remind me of yet another year in which Nicholas would never be a part. I think people were lifting me up in prayer up until that point. Then when they stopped, I crashed. So I am mindful to ask my prayer warriors to keep going through the New Year.  

Now it is your turn

I hope you find this post helpful. Some of you are really struggling and the idea of doing all of this is overwhelming.

If you can just pick one thing, I would say pick the music. Music will penetrate to your soul. Keep music on all of the time to help focus your thoughts and worship. 

What about the rest of you? Some of you are far enough along that you have figured out how to focus your holidays so they are meaningful. Please comment so we may share in caring for one another this season. No one has to do this alone.