Julie Fillinger

How does the Bible know me? 

I had sought to understand the Bible to know God and to show my love for Him through my obedience to what it says. I had not contemplated how the Bible searches me and knows my heart. This knowledge not only motivates me but is also humbling in the best way as it leads to a better understanding of what it means to Praise God! I can’t stop considering this. 

The Book that understands me  

As I continue to reflect on The 40-Day Feast by Wendy Speake, what stands out in the second week is “The Book That Understands Me” from Day 9. Wendy opens this day with an illustration from the life of a well-educated Frenchman, Emile Cailliet, born in 1894. He read from great authors of literature and philosophy, writing down quotes and passages  but never felt understood. One day, in God’s providence, his wife came upon a Bible in a nearby chapel and brought it home to him. He opened it to the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. As he read, he could not find words to express his awe and wonder as he came to the realization that this was the Book that would understand him.  

 Wendy says it like this, “The Bible is not something we seek to understand, but a book we open because it understands us…the only book that understands you so intimately that your whole life will begin to make sense through its lens.” Then she quotes 1 John 4:19, “we love Him because He first loved us” to say “we begin to understand Him because we’re so intimately understood.” 

My first experiences with grief  

When I suffered my first miscarriage, a dear friend gave me Psalm 139 to read. It was helpful as I read and reread trying to fully understand and apply it to my sad state. Then when I miscarried a second time, I started asking God why this was happening again.  

We were in a young marrieds Sunday School class where little baby carriers were in abundance. It is not that I wasn’t truly happy for my friends, but it was a constant reminder of my losses. What was wrong with me and when was it going to be my turn? These were my first experiences with grief, and I felt punished.  

I experienced some healing, but as I continued to grieve, I kept coming back to Psalm 139.  Over the years and through different heartaches, I asked God to search me and know me, to know my heart and see if there was anything wicked in me. When I prayed this way, I felt like if I did my part in asking for forgiveness of sin, then God was obligated to do His part to make everything right. God showed me His sovereign plan was not punishment and there were things I could not see that He was working into the finished tapestry of His Will.  I knew this in my head, but it would take longer to convince my heart. 

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.  

Psalm 139 was written by King David as part of Israel’s choir book. David is in awe that the God of the universe not only considered him but knew everything about him. If I am willing to personalize this Psalm, how does it make me feel that God understands me? He scrutinizes the path I take, and because He is intimately acquainted with all my ways, He limits my actions, hemming me in for my own protection. Even before I speak, He knows what I am going to say! It makes me exclaim like my brother David, “ such knowledge is too wonderful for me…it’s too high, I can’t attain it!” 

Sometimes I want to flee God’s presence, maybe from the guilt of sin. But it doesn’t matter where I go, He is there, not in judgment but to lead me and lay hold of me with His right hand. There is no where I could go that God would not be there to take care of me. Even if I say the dark places of my sin and grief will overwhelm me, God reaches in and exposes the darkness with His light because night is as bright as the day to Him. 

Before I was even born, He was caring for me. He formed me fearfully and wonderfully knit me together in my mother’s womb. We rightfully use this passage on Pro-life Sunday. But as I consider how it shows His intimate knowledge of me, it breaks down any argument I form that I get to know Him from His Word before He knows me. No, He knew me first and ordained and wrote my days in His book before there were any days. Wow, “how precious are Your thoughts to me, O God! They are more vast than the grains of sand!” 

The Psalm then takes an interesting turn. I didn’t always know what to think of David hating and loathing God’s enemies with the utmost hatred, asking God to slay those who took His Name in vain. God calls David a man after His own heart, but this sounded harsh. I came to realize I had an impoverished view of who God is. He perfectly balances His love, grace and mercy with His righteous wrath, truth, and justice. As I continue to grow in my understanding of God’s character, I am led to consider God’s enemies as those who oppose Him and His purposes even after He has shown them love. I cannot remain neutral with those who speak of God with malicious intent.  

Finally, the Psalm ends the way it began, with recognizing God knows me. It is in light of my response to His enemies,  that I ask Him to search me, know my heart, try me, and know even my anxious thoughts that I try to bravely hide from anyone else. I ask Him to do this to see if there is any hurtful way in me that has no place in eternity, which is always His goal and mine.  

My Conclusion  

My conclusion from studying this Psalm is the Bible does know me and understand me because its Author does. Even though this knowledge is great, it motivates me to want to open it and seek to understand it. Yes, because I love its Author, but I wouldn’t be capable of loving the Author if He didn’t love me first. I am not capable of understanding His Book if it didn’t understand me first. Like Wendy says, “God reads you like a book, so open His book and read Him back!” 

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