Courage to Live in Pain

Julie Fillinger

Courage defined.

When Nicholas was in elementary school, there was an author spotlight in the library.

 Nicholas took to being a young author. He wrote twenty-eight stories in third and fourth grade, and the librarian compiled them into the “Nicholas Fillinger Collection.” She had kept it and passed it on to us after Nicholas died. 

One of the stories was entitled, “Definitions to the things that make you better.” In it, he defined concepts such as respect, self-control, honesty, courtesy, mercy, fairness, being nice, and courage. 

His definition of courage stands out not only because he lived courageously, but also because it has now become necessary to my survival. 

He said courage does not mean you are not afraid. It is being afraid and doing it anyway. 

Merriam-Webster defines courage as “the mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty”. 

If courage is when you have fear, anxiety, or sorrow that could keep you from doing something, but then you go ahead and do it anyway, what gives you the strength to do it despite the wrestling emotions? And why does it seem like some people have more courage than others? 

I had good examples of courage growing up. There were people in my life who overcame difficulties to do hard things. 

But I know plenty of people who had no such examples and exhibited amazing courage in spite of their circumstances. There seems to be a sense of drive and purpose embedded into the actual living out of this concept. 

Where did my courage come from?

It sounds like Christian cliché, but the drive to have courage ultimately came from the Lord when I felt like quitting. I just kept on crying out to Him over and over, and asked my prayer warriors to intercede on my behalf.

• When I would have let go, He held on to me. 
• God was faithful to instill the drive and purpose to live while still in pain. 
• He used good examples to give me a picture of what courage looks like. 
• He lifted me up through the prayers of His faithful children.

I had courage to live even though I was in pain because I was not alone. I did not have to do it by myself because God was with me. Through my prayers and the prayers of others, His Spirit testified to my spirit that I could and would survive. It was somewhat of a rote existence at times to just get up and keep going, crying out over and over. Learning to lean in to the power of the Holy Spirit fueled me to have motivation, which in the life of a grieving soul is courage.

Waiting on the Lord.

At the time, waiting on the Lord felt like that would be my new life. It felt crushing to go seemingly long periods without hearing from Him. I could not see it, but He was using the waiting to build endurance, which I would need as part of this courage to live in pain. The endurance would build my character, which I didn’t think was necessarily worth what I was being asked to endure. But then character would give way to Hope. And Hope does not disappoint. The times I felt like God was not with me would become fewer and less intense as the Holy Spirit gave me the courage to HOPE.

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