Julie Fillinger

Conflicting Emotions.

As time dared to march on, joy and sorrow coexisted in my heart. I cried easily and felt deeply. I was still sad, and even in miserable anguish at times. But God was showing me there was also room for joy as I leaned into the Holy Spirit. Before this, I had not realized these seemingly conflicting emotions could be occurring at the same time. 

The date was a trigger for me.  

I focused too much on anniversaries, and I could not seem to stop this. I got angry when I would see the numbers on the clock or someone’s athletic jersey, like they were taunting me. 

I continued to live the horrific trauma in the weeks leading up to death day. 

The beginning of the school year ushered a call from the dark places of grief which intensified as the day drew nigh. My heart hoped for a different outcome “this time” and was cut to shreds when the different outcome did not happen. 

My head knew this was foolish, but my heart still struggled to accept it. I caught myself thinking that it did not really happen, that Nicholas was on a trip, and he would be coming back. 

I felt sucker punched in the gut when my head would say, “foolish girl, the sooner you come to grips with it the better.” And round and round it would go. 

I practice better coping skills.

Now, it is not as bad as it has been. I have learned to practice better coping skills, replacing lies with Truth about who God is at the core. 

I ask God to give me the courage to live each day He gives with joy. I ask for it and He gives it. His Spirit confirms this in my heart often times through my prayer warriors. This gives me motivation to hope in the future.

Sorrow and sadness are there, but not always at the forefront, not taking up all the space in my heart and mind. 

Because of the Gospel, joy can exist alongside sorrow and even take center stage. They have become intertwined, woven into my life now. Joy co-existing with sorrow makes it a little easier to endure the hard things like living from day to day and helping others do the same along the way.

I keep on keepin’ on.

If you remember in the last blog post, we discussed courage was having fear but doing it anyway. I have learned that fear and grief are not that different, especially in their paralyzing nature and struggle to move forward. I am grieving but I do it anyway. 

What is the “it” that I’m doing? It is living. And so can you. The courage to live in pain means you don’t want to go on, but you do it anyway, trusting God will make sense of it in His time and use it for His Glory and someone else’s good. ¹  

As you keep on keeping on in your cries to the Lord, He will be faithful to hear you, lift you out of the pit of despair, and place your feet on solid ground. ²  

He was with me all along.

There came a point when I realized God had been with me all along. Sometimes there was a disconnect between my head and heart. I knew the Truth in my head, that He was there, faithfully loving me, but my heart would betray me.

My head and heart connected when I practiced leaning into the Holy Spirit as He testified Truth to my spirit that His presence was with me. ³ I was not alone. ⁴  And along the way God, in His faithfulness, continued to cultivate the fruit of joy alongside the pain with the Hope of Glory that is to come. ⁵

Passages referenced:

1. Romans 8:28
2. Psalm 40:1-3
3. Romans 8:16-18
4. Hebrews 13:5
5. Psalm 126:5,6 and Isaiah 35:10

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