Julie Fillinger

My Living Hope was Born  

I don’t think I will ever get through grief and come out on the other side. I learned how to live with grief like a guest that won’t leave. There have been cycles that repeat themselves but not always in the same order. As I learned joy and sorrow could coexist, I started to function fairly well. But a dark cloud constantly hovered, threatening to unleash its storm of thunderous torment. As long as I continued to cry out, engage my prayer warriors, be thankful, and love others, the anguish mostly stayed at bay.  

Then one day, a few weeks before the ninth anniversary of Nicholas’s death, when I would normally be reliving the days leading up to the horrific event, expecting a different outcome that never came, God performed a miracle. As I was crying out for the umpteenth time, God heard me. He had been hearing me before, but this time was different. This time when God heard me, He set my feet on solid ground and put a new song in my heart. The heavy grief cloud was lifted. The sun was shining and I didn’t have to pull the blinds. I could wear bright colors again. I could laugh and not feel guilty. But mostly, I could take a deep breath and let it out without feeling pain. I hadn’t realized how long I had been holding my breath until that moment. It felt so good to just release it. It was if God was saying, I kept you under the weight of suffering for a purpose and now that purpose is complete and you are released.  

I still grieve and I feel certain I will until Christ returns, but it is not nearly as heavy. The choice I made was to cry out to God and keep crying day after day. I was not hanging on to Him. I had no strength to do so. But as I look back, even when I thought He had forsaken me, God had me firmly in His grip, and He didn’t let go. In the process, He taught me what Living Hope really means. And now I live with the certain expectation that what awaits far outweighs any suffering He asked me to endure here. Yes, I will be reunited with Nicholas, and that is a blessed encouragement. But because Jesus Christ conquered the grave, my glory and victory already reside with His. Focusing on heaven changes my perspective on how I live here. I gladly trade what this world has to offer for the better life to come. 

David’s vulnerability gains him intimacy with God  

In the Psalms written by David, he has the audacity to call himself blameless and righteous when the history books say otherwise. A closer look reveals king David is poor and needy and cries out for deliverance many times over his life. We are blessed to have his encounters recorded in the Book.  

Psalm 61 reveals David’s vulnerability before God as he pleads for help. He doesn’t hide anything he is thinking or feeling. He just pours himself out. His life is a sacrifice. His conclusion is always the same. He knows with intimacy that God will come through, that God will be faithful to His promises. He has built memorial stones of remembrance on what God has done for him. God is his Rock and Refuge. It is not too bold for him to ask to dwell in God’s tent forever as a welcome guest in God’s presence because the request is based on God’s character of steadfast love. David knows this is the inheritance of those who fear God. So, he offers praise and thanksgiving as acceptable worship in advance for what he trusts God will do.  

Upon closer reflection of this and other Kingship Psalms, a true and better David emerges. He asks God to prolong the life and lineage of the king as he anticipates Jesus Christ, the King of kings for all generations. God’s faithfulness in watching over this King assures the Kingdom will endure forever.  

What does this mean for me?   

How do I apply this to my life in this season of Advent? As I wait with expectant Hope, I long to feel something reassuring. I re-read and replay the Christmas story in all its glory, looking forward to the coming of the Messiah like He is coming for the first time. Of course I know this has already happened, but I consider it as if it is going to happen for the first time on this Christmas Day in 2024. And I plan my celebration around that thought.  

It’s a humble thing to consider God loved me so much He gave His one and only Son as the Gift of Christmas. And that Jesus Christ was willing to be made flesh so He could come and dwell among us. It doesn’t take long to consider the baby that will become a man will pay my debt because I couldn’t. Born to die, so I could live.  

I used to think what started with Christmas ended with The Cross. But that thinking is wrong. The Glorious Truth is Jesus Christ conquered death when He rose again. Death is always the prelude to Resurrection. Resurrection of Life and Living Hope. 

That brings me back to how my glory and victory reside with His. Since His is assured by the steadfast love and faithfulness of God, mine is too.  

So, like my brother David, I will ever sing praises to God’s Name in the waiting, as I perform my vows day after day. 

1. Feature image by Josh Boot https://unsplash.com/@joshboot

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