My Tragic Love Story Turned Hopeful 

Julie Fillinger • December 10, 2024

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A tragic love story  

Have you noticed it’s easy to be hopeful and hope filled as long as everything is going well? You may even think you are struggling as you compare your life to others who seem to be better off in how they manage life and relationships. But then God allows you to see what pain really feels like and uses it to break you down completely so He can build you back up, removing anything that had a hold on your heart that should have belonged to Him. That’s my story. It’s a tragic love story where the end is written but not yet realized as Living Hope is waiting to be born.  

I thought I lived with hope for the future, but I still wanted to realize everything this world had to offer. And I didn’t appreciate the good life I had until it was shattered. My sixteen year old son Nicholas died tragically, and my world was rocked in devastation. I detail the courage needed to learn how to live again after this horrific loss here on my website and in my book Courage to Live: Learning to Live Again After Loss. 1  

The grief journey is hard and horrific and nothing prepared me for it. But when I started experiencing it, I had a choice. I didn’t think I did. I felt like I was going to wallow in anguish the rest of my days, barely able to breathe, much less get out of bed and be functional for my husband and younger son. God felt so far, like He had abandoned and forsaken me. I could barely utter any semblance of a cry.  

But God works a miracle  

This went on for nine years. The degree of anguish lessened as my prayer warriors, who committed to pray for me day or night, were faithful to lift me before God’s Throne of Grace. I was able to get out of the pit of despair as I chose to see and count gifts to be thankful for every day. Even on the days I didn’t feel like being thankful, I could always count on eternal life. It wasn’t necessarily because I wanted to be embraced by Jesus, but because it was the only way I would see my son again. When I took my rough but thankful emotions and courageously started to show love to others while my own heart was still broken, God started to work a miracle.  

The riches of Psalm 25  

I have been trying to read Advent Psalms this month as I anticipate my celebration of The Word that became flesh in order to dwell among us. 2 In so doing, Psalm 25 came up. It doesn’t feel very Advent-y at first glance. Upon further reflection, it is very rich.  

David calls on God’s character  

David is admitting what a mess he is and that he needs God. He knows that if he waits for God, he will not be put to shame. He is bold as he calls on God’s character as the basis for asking for deliverance from his evil enemies. Then he says he will wait for the redemption that he has confidence will follow. Redemption not only for himself, but all of Israel.  

To you, O  Lord , I lift up my soul. O my God, in you I trust.  

Let me not be put to shame; let not my enemies exult over me.  

It is only God that delivers. David is asking that God not embarrass him in front of his enemies. Then he realizes no one who waits for the Lord will be embarrassed.  

I call on God’s character  

For me, the key is to know the ways and paths of the Lord and ask him to teach me and lead me in His truth. Why? He is the God of my salvation, so I will wait for Him all day long. I remember God‘s character as the basis of my request. 

  • Mercy  
  • Steadfast Love  
  • Goodness  
  • Uprightness 
  • Faithfulness  

God instructs sinners like me and teaches and leads the humble how to keep His covenant and testimonies.  

The Result  

The results of fearing the LORD are incredible. 

  • Pardon 
  • Instruction 
  • Well-being abiding in my soul 
  • My offspring’s inheritance 
  • Friendship with a Holy God.  

I can ask the Lord to be gracious when I am lonely and afflicted, and when the troubles of my heart are enlarged.  

What am I asking him for? To bring me out of distress and consider my affliction, to forgive my sins, which are great, to guard my soul, to deliver me from my hateful foes, and let me not be put to shame.  

I take refuge in the Lord.  

I take refuge in the Lord. This shows a heart of integrity in trying to do what’s right as I wait and wait and wait some more. Then I look around to others and not just focus on myself. As I do, I ask for their redemption as well. 

25  To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul. 
2  O my God, in you I trust; 
    let me not be put to shame; 
    let not my enemies exult over me. 
3  Indeed, none who wait for you shall be put to shame; 
    they shall be ashamed who are wantonly treacherous. 

4  Make me to know your ways, O Lord; 
    teach me your paths. 
5  Lead me in your truth and teach me, 
    for you are the God of my salvation; 
    for you I wait all the day long. 

6  Remember your mercy, O Lord, and your steadfast love, 
    for they have been from of old. 
7  Remember not the sins of my youth or my transgressions; 
    according to your steadfast love remember me, 
    for the sake of your goodness, O Lord! 

8  Good and upright is the Lord; 
    therefore he instructs sinners in the way. 
9  He leads the humble in what is right, 
    and teaches the humble his way. 
10  All the paths of the Lord are steadfast love and faithfulness, 
    for those who keep his covenant and his testimonies. 

11  For your name’s sake, O Lord, 
    pardon my guilt, for it is great. 
12  Who is the man who fears the Lord? 
    Him will he instruct in the way that he should choose. 
13  His soul shall abide in well-being, 
    and his offspring shall inherit the land. 
14  The friendship [ b ]  of the Lord is for those who fear him, 
    and he makes known to them his covenant. 
15  My eyes are ever toward the Lord, 
    for he will pluck my feet out of the net. 

16  Turn to me and be gracious to me, 
    for I am lonely and afflicted. 
17  The troubles of my heart are enlarged; 
    bring me out of my distresses. 
18  Consider my affliction and my trouble, 
    and forgive all my sins. 

19  Consider how many are my foes, 
    and with what violent hatred they hate me. 
20  Oh, guard my soul, and deliver me! 
    Let me not be put to shame, for I take refuge in you. 
21  May integrity and uprightness preserve me, 
    for I wait for you. 

22  Redeem Israel, O God, 
    out of all his troubles. 
Psalm 25 ESV  

  1. Julie Fillinger, Courage to Live: Learning to Live Again after Loss. Chicago: Kharis Publishing, 2024. 

  1. John 1:14 

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