Julie Fillinger

Dear Friends, 

I met today’s guest when she was a young mother searching for biblical answers. She couldn’t get enough. I had to admit I didn’t know everything and limited her to 5 questions a week. It didn’t take long for me to love her as the little Sister she is.

She shares her struggle today from a heart of vulnerability. I know you will be as blessed as I am. Please join me in welcoming Katie McGee!

The Battle Against Intrusive Thoughts

Vivid Memories

I have a pathetic memory, yet I vividly remember an obscure scene from many years ago when I was vacationing with my entire family at the Beach Club Resort in Gulf Shores. I believe we were staying on the 12th floor. My aunt and I were standing in the living room, looking out to the balcony, when I saw her whole body shudder for only an instant— no one else noticed, just me. I asked her about it and she responded, “Nothing, nothing, I was just thinking something…it was nothing. I don’t want to say it out loud.” 

Personal Experience

I knew what she was thinking. She was thinking, what if I just jumped over the balcony? I knew this because I was thinking it, too. I had already imagined what it might look like for my children to fall. I had also imagined the massive building crumbling down on us. I wasn’t trying to imagine these disgusting pictures; they simply appeared out of nowhere, just long enough to invoke some anxiety.

My Struggle Continues

That was almost twenty years ago, yet fast forward to last week, and I have the same mental pictures—maybe even worse now. I went to Pensacola and stayed on the 11th floor and could hardly sleep because I was worrying that my 21-year-old son would jump off the balcony, not fall, jump! Do normal people have these thoughts? Who is actually going to throw themselves or their loved ones off a balcony on a family vacation? This is not an isolated incident. In fact, during the same trip, my son had also driven ahead of me on this trip, so I was also able to begin the vacation fighting images of arriving upon a car accident so horrific I will not write it here. These are the types of intrusive thoughts I have dealt with my entire life: sudden, unwanted, disturbing images that seem to come from nowhere, causing a sickening worry and anxiety.

Understanding Intrusive Thoughts

Intrusive thoughts can involve thoughts you fear you will do, but in my case, it is what I fear will happen to me. They go hand-in-hand with anxiety disorders, which, according to some statistics, affect 1 in 3 people. Of course, these are people who have been diagnosed. I am sure it is more than 1 in 3 who suffer from anxiety. Think about your friends and family. How many would you describe as worriers? How many of those you wouldn’t describe as worriers drink alcohol or take those CBD gummies? My point is that even those I know who don’t think of themselves as “worriers” are often medicating themselves in other ways. Everyone seems to have anxiety to some degree. 

The Impact of Technology on Anxiety

Life is a lot. There are terrible, horrible, terrifying things that can happen to you and your loved ones. I know. My algorithm has shown me all of it on TikTok! No wonder suicide is one of the leading causes of death. We are not meant to know every catastrophe happening in the world, but we do, thanks to our phones. I once asked a psychiatrist why it seemed like everyone I worked with (including myself) took anxiety medication. She did not even look up from her computer, but kept typing as she said, “I think it’s that technology is going too fast for our brains to handle. Everyone is overstimulated.” Overstimulated! That is what I am and have been since I was a child, experiencing an out-of-body dissociation attack during my trick-or-treating fun. No wonder I battle intrusive thoughts. Now the question is, how do I battle them?

Faith in Jesus Christ as the Answer

The Sunday School Answer is Correct

The answer to that question can only be faith in Jesus Christ. In reality, there is no other way. I know it is the “Sunday School answer,” and it is way easier said than done, but it is the truth, nonetheless. 

The Blessing of Intrusive Thoughts

We are at God’s mercy. We have no control. All we can do is pray for His grace and protection.. And that is exactly why intrusive thoughts can actually be a blessing. There is a short story by Flannery O’Connor called “ A Good Man Is Hard to Find.”( The story makes me think O’Connor also experienced intrusive thoughts; it’s pretty dark. ) But there is a great line when a murderous criminal describes the self-righteous grandmother: “She would of been a good woman,” The Misfit said, “if it had been somebody there to shoot her every minute of her life.” Perspective is everything. When we are faced with our mortality, we see what matters and what doesn’t matter here on Earth. Therefore, viewing intrusive thoughts and anxiety as things that occur for an eternal purpose can be helpful in the battle. A long time ago, my brother asked me what it was like to constantly have anxious thoughts, and I told him that it was the “thorn in my side.” Paul pleaded with the Lord to remove his thorn, but at the same time, he knew its ability to bless him: 

We See Our Need for Jesus

I am convinced this is why God allows many of us to suffer with anxiety and intrusive thoughts. His power is made perfect because we can see how fragile we are. We see our intense need for Jesus Christ. As tormenting as they can be, intrusive thoughts can help us maintain an eternal mindset. 

Practicing Faith to Overcome Anxiety

Telling an anxious person to “just have faith in God” is easier said than done. Sometimes being told that can even feel offensive, so I want to add to it by saying, “Try to practice having faith.” When the fear hits, pray for faith and deliverance in the moment, and in between those moments, arm yourself with prayer and God’s Word. Practice meditating on certain truths. The Bible tells us to focus on an eternal perspective: “If then you were raised with Christ, seek those things which are above, where Christ is, sitting at the right hand of God. Set your mind on things above, not on things on the earth” ( Colossians 3:1-2).

Finding Peace Through Faith

One of the most prominent verses I memorized was Philippians 4:6-7. He may not remove the thorn, but He will provide peace and will eventually deliver us from the suffering. In the meantime, we can only cry out to Him for deliverance, thank Him for who He is, and practice trusting that He is who He says He is. 

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