Julie Fillinger

Does hearing their name cause comfort or pain? 

Those who had not experienced the great loss of a loved one, were inclined to think saying Nicholas’ name would cause me more pain. 

This was not possible. 

I was in misery and longed for my loved one to be remembered.

• Saying his name
• Reminiscing over pictures
• Retelling stories

were a part of the healing that occurred when I was reassured Nicholas’ life mattered.

I remember the good.

I tend to only want to remember the good things about Nicholas, especially because he died young. 

The temptation is to put him on a pedestal and romanticize who he was. Nicholas made everyone’s life better simply by knowing him. He cared deeply, often at his own expense, not looking for anything in return. He just wanted to do good in every area of his life. Even though he could be shy, he was willing to fight for what is right. He could endure a tremendous amount of pain in his pursuit to be the best.

I recognize Nicholas wasn’t perfect.

No one is perfect in this life and neither was Nicholas. 

He inherited a bit of a smart mouth from me that came out as he struggled through early teen years. He wasn’t always teachable. He could get rattled if he wasn’t good at something he desired.  And he got embarrassed easily. 

Mostly though, his imperfections made him more likable.

So what went wrong?

Nicholas was nearly 17 when he died. 

A clear line is drawn before and after death. Before he died, my life was pretty good, better than I thought or admitted at the time. I had suffered losses, the most significant of which was my father. But even that did not prepare me for the pain I was going to be asked to endure. 

Nicholas was a gifted runner and was obsessed with being the best. 

We discovered he had been doing research on how he could imitate altitude training. There seemed to be a couple of favorite options among athletes, especially runners. One was an altitude mask that you wear, and it deprives you of oxygen while training. 

There was no evidence that Nicholas had purchased one of these.

The other is taking a belt and using it to put pressure on your carotid arteries, just until you are depriving yourself of oxygen, and continuing to force yourself to function so you can teach your brain how to perform in low oxygen situations, like in a race. 

We found that runners know not to do this by themselves because it could be dangerous if they passed out. 

It seems Nicholas was doing this by himself. And this is how he died. 

And now I have to wait until I get to heaven to tell him how ridiculously stupid and preventable this was. 

Only I imagine our heavenly reunion going a little differently.

In the next blog, we will start to look at living in pain after such a loss. 

For now, I will leave you with this word of hope:

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