Julie Fillinger

Giving the Gift of Presence  

When someone we care about is hurting, we want to do something or say something to ease the pain. And, if we are being honest, in part, we want to ease our own discomfort as well. Seeing people in pain is uncomfortable for everyone. We all just want it to go away. We are a comfort-driven culture and there is no place for suffering.  

The bravest souls are willing to endure personal discomfort so they may provide some measure of relief to the hurting. If you are reading this, then perhaps you are one of those brave souls. Or at least you want to be.  One of t he best things friends and family did for me when I was hurting was to give me the Gift of their Presence.   

Examples of Presence  

The first few days after Nicholas died are a blur. Funeral arrangements, caskets, burial plots- parents should not have to plan these things for their child. We were in shock and needed help to make seemingly impossible decisions. My friend and Bible study partner Sabrina met us at the funeral home. The funeral director was kind and patient, but we kept turning to Sabrina to help us. Her heart was also broken, but she was calm and reassuring with the right amount of hand squeezing, hugs, and confidence to push us to do what needed to be done when what needed to be done seemed more than we could bear. This type of friendship continues as she faithfully points me to the Truth of Who God is as He says in His Word. 

My longtime friend Denise has also given her Presence. Our children played together when they were young. Nicholas and her oldest continued the friendship in high school as teammates. She still meets with me at different places for coffee, or a walk, or just sitting on a bench in the park, not to say anything in particular, but just to sit there being miserable with me. She holds my hand, hugs me, lets me cry, lets me talk about anything or nothing. This goes on for hours. She is okay with what normally would be uncomfortable silence. Only her willingness to be uncomfortable makes the silence not as awkward as it gives the proper respect to the bigness of the tragedy. 

I have had many Prayer Warriors, most notably my mom and sisters and mother-in-love who faithfully lift me before our Heavenly Father’s Throne of Grace every day.  My cousin Trina wrote out her prayers for me three days a week and mailed them the whole first year. It was incredible. Many times, she was praying God’s Word. This may not be comfortable for everyone. But we are close like sisters, so it was welcomed. To say I am praying for you is good but writing out her prayer was even more encouraging. It showed how she hurt for me to the point of laboring for me. I felt close to her as the Holy Spirit made His Presence known through these prayers. 

My sister Robin gave me her Presence in a different way. Yes, she was there for me whenever I needed her, but her Presence also went before me. What I mean by that is she answered hundreds of questions from those who didn’t want to ask me how I was doing but felt like they could ask her. We live in the same small town. It’s not as though people intended to be inconsiderate of how she was doing. People in our community were genuinely concerned and wanted to do something to help. So they asked her. She loved Nicholas like a child but didn’t get to grieve as such. Instead, my big sister bravely went before me as a shield until I was ready to venture out a little at a time.  

I am sharing my examples, but Eric has those friends that have given of their Presence as well. One friend has faithfully sent him a text every Monday for over 10 years to remind him he is praying for him. Another friend met him for long runs on Sundays for years. Two different friends and his brother separately went on backpacking trips in the wilderness with him. 

These Givers of Presence shared their gift in similar ways.   

1. They did not feel compelled to come up with any plausible explanation.  

We were all replaying how and why it happened over and over in the weeks, months, and years to come. But they knew it served no good purpose for them to expect me to answer these questions. Nor did they feel the need to offer any ill-conceived conclusions in the immediate aftermath. They knew that would not make me feel better or provide any comfort while I was hurting. When I was ready, I would reach out. And they would just listen and hold my hand without having to figure anything out for me.  

2. They did not talk about their own hurts or tell me they knew how I felt. 

Sometimes, people may inadvertently communicate that their dog dying could possibly compare to my child dying. Or their child going away to college or to serve in the armed forces was in any way the same thing. 

Those who gave of their presence showed sympathy and even empathy but did not presume to compare hurts. They did not communicate they were looking for me to minister to them. And they did not say “I know how you feel because…”.  

3. They were not afraid to say Nicholas’s name. 

Some people are afraid to say the dearly departed one’s name, for fear of bringing more hurt to their loved ones. This is not possible. I wanted to hear Nicholas’s name. I wanted him to be remembered. Having good memories is a blessing and a comfort. They were willing to share stories and pictures and reminisce, and yes, even laugh. All of this was part of the healing that occurred when I was reassured Nicholas’s life mattered. 

What about you? Are you willing to give the Gift of your Presence?   

Ask yourself how uncomfortable you are willing to be for this person. 

You will endure more discomfort for someone you love. If you are not that close, do not feel like you must do this. But if you are willing and you sense the hurting person is open to you staying, just sit in uncomfortable silence and hold their hand. For as long as they will let you, just sit there, doing nothing, being uncomfortable together.  Then, when you have shown you are not afraid of the pain, even though it is uncomfortable, you will endure it with them and for them – then, you can ask, “what can I and may I do for you?’.  And then, they may tell you something that would be of help to their healing. 

Let the Holy Spirit be your guide more than anything. Most people will see your motivation is good and will not be devastated by a misstep. Practicing the Gift of Presence will help you be more mindful of how to minister with a message of Hope. It is a blessing to be given to do so. 

“A loving arm is worth a thousand words,” Peggy J. Fillinger 

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