Julie Fillinger

Feeling Forsaken

Eric and I have been reading a Psalm every morning since January 1 ^st . During Passion Week, I read Psalm 88 and was so struck that the writer doesn’t feel the need to resolve the tension that hangs in the balance as He cries out to God. As I studied further, it seems this is the only Psalm that doesn’t include some sort of declaration of hopefulness, thanksgiving, or praise. All others, and especially David, that cry out to God exclaiming their utter agony, end their cry by recognizing that God is in control and will be faithful to His promises. But this writer is feeling completely forsaken, with no hope in sight. 

I identify with his misery.  

The Psalm seems so dark and dismal, and yet, I find myself understanding his misery. He has been suffering for quite some time.  His friends have shunned him and he feels shunned by God as well –  abandoned, alone, and forsaken. He continues to appeal to God over and over, day and night, asking for relief. And none seems to come. He expresses no confidence that the misery will end. It started when he was a youth and may have continued until his death. But, as he keeps on turning to God he demonstrates his faith is real even when Hope seems to allude him.  

The Psalm is included as a liturgical offering that the Levites, the sons of Kohath specifically, would use to lead the Israelites in worship. I see this as a song of bereavement or used during great persecution. All Christians are called to suffer as a purifying agent, but not all are called to suffer to this extent. And I find myself wanting to put my arm around him and sit there willing to be miserable with him.   

Even Jesus felt forsaken  

As I was contemplating Psalm 88, Psalm 22 came to mind. “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” This is a Psalm of David that prefigures the suffering of Jesus Christ, who makes the same cry.  Psalm 22 is remembered and quoted in Matthew 27 by our Savior as He hangs on the cross, feeling abandoned as His Father looks away while He takes on the sins of the World.   

As I pause and consider this for just a moment, I am humbled that the King of Kings would leave heaven in the first place, leave the beauty and unity at Home with His Father so He could be sacrificed as the Lamb of God, the only Sacrifice that would prove to be sufficient to satisfy the wrath of a Holy God. In this moment, the one Person that He counted on, that He walked and talked with, that He was one with, had to look away as He took on the sin and shame that should have been mine. He felt alone, stricken, and yes, forsaken for me.  

I, too, have felt forsaken  

I, too, have felt forsaken. I have felt that God has abandoned me and is so very far from me, refusing to answer my cries, leaving me to wallow in misery, barely able to even ask why this happening. This went on for the better part of nine years. I would get some relief as I engaged the help of my prayer warriors to cry before our Father’s Throne of Grace begging for mercy on my behalf. Then He would pull me out of the pit of despair so I could live to fight another day. And I learned how to live, how to have courage to live again after suffering great loss.  

But the dark cloud of grief was ever present and a storm could break forth without notice in a fury of thunder and lightning that left me stricken and forsaken, left to muster some semblance of a cry that would start the process all over again.  

Until I awoke from my grief slumber  

I am thankful the writer of Psalm 88, under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, had the courage to pen these words with which so many of us can identify. I don’t know if he ever felt sustained relief from his misery this side of heaven. But after nine years, I did. One day as I was crying out to God yet again for relief, I awoke from my grief slumber. It felt like a miracle, like God was saying okay, the suffering you endured had a purpose and the work is complete.  

It was shortly before the ninth anniversary of Nicholas’s death when I would normally be reliving the days leading up to the trauma, hoping for a different outcome that never came. Based on past experience, I didn’t think relief would last. But it has been 20 months now and I thank God for every day for hearing my cries and setting my feet on solid ground. I still have times of sadness and grief, but not the feelings of miserable abandonment like I did before. And, as I look back, even though I felt forsaken, I wasn’t. I couldn’t always feel it, But God, by His Spirit was with me the whole time. And He had a purpose for my suffering to make me more like His Son, who can sympathize with feeling forsaken. 

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